Okay, amigos...err, φίλοι. As most of you know, what exactly I plan to do in life with my various talents, learned skills and plentiful ambition has heretofore been somewhat shrouded in indecision and want of direction. However, it may interest many of you to know that I have recently felt the pull of a concrete calling, a tangible mission worthy of the devotion of my full range of expertise: Bringing the glory of the fixed showerhead to Europeans everywhere.

So the "shower" consists of a square of porcelain on the floor that is maybe 20" x 20" (I think I'm being generous here). There is a lip that is maybe 3" high (again, allowing for an extreme benefit of the doubt). If I had a ruler I'd measure - that is how strongly I feel about this issue. There is a curtain which hangs above the porcelain square - about 3" above it (perhaps even more). Still with me? That means...yep...a lovely 3" strip all around the bottom of the "shower" that is open and through which water can (and does) freely spray (and splash heavily) onto the surrounding bathroom floor.

No, that's not all. The showerhead is not fixed to the wall.

When you get in the shower, you turn the water on from the little spigot-faucet deal before switching to the overhead spray, much like you see in showers with tubs in other, more civilized countries (*cough* America). This in itself is complicated, because it causes much spray and splash out of the bottom. However:

The showerhead is not fixed to the wall.

The "showerhead" is basically a free-floating hose. It's really more of a shower-"tail". So you have to constantly hold it in one hand while you perform your shower motions single-handedly. Meanwhile, you have to make sure you're not pointing it in a direction that will cause extreme escapage of water out the open strip at the bottom (which happens to include about 85% of the directions in which it can be pointed). I would analogize the task to the commonly cited "rub circles on your stomach while patting your head", but I mastered that when I was about 8, so clearly the issue here is not coordination. It's more like acquiring the perfect accent in just about any language that you learn beyond the age of 10: it's just basically impossible for non-natives.

I suppose European kids grow up with this system, and so everyone just goes about their daily lives and acts like showering is no big deal. But I truly feel that affixation would improve the quality of life immensely. So there you have it. What with French, Spanish, German and Greek (and hopefully Italian and Portuguese at some point) and my charming, persuasive manner, I can hit all the major nations in Europe and introduce the magnificence of the fixed showerhead. They latch on to our music, our movies, our fast-food chains, and they even walk around wearing t-shirts that say "PLAYER" and "I <3 NY" - it's about time they imported America's finest bathroom technology.